Grief after a mesothelioma loss is a normal set of emotions. The following story is one person’s account through this process.
“Almost nothing is not normal in grief. Not wanting to get rid of the person’s clothes, or buying their favorite food even though you don’t eat that food; all [of] that is normal processing even though people might feel like something is wrong with them.”
These are words by Claudine Benmar who lost her husband, Pete, to peritoneal mesothelioma three years ago.
“You have an idea about who you will be spending your life with and when you lose that person, it changes your entire life, and that is a traumatic loss,” she said.
Ms. Benmar, an assistant director of communications and public relations for the School of Law at Seattle University, became acquainted with the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation and its services through her mother-in-law who did extensive research to find treatment options for her son. When Ms. Benmar settled with her grief, the leadership team at the Foundation invited her to host the “Young Widows and Widowers Support Group.”
“It is hard to call myself young,” smiled Ms. Benmar. “I am 53; I often think when you are in your 50’s, cancer is the only reason anyone calls you young, because it is a young age for cancer, but I don’t know if people consider it young ordinarily.”
Mesothelioma, even more so than cancer in general, tends to affect an older demographic that is most often in their 70s and 80s, and less frequently in the 60s, 50s, or younger.
Certain challenges after a loss are different at various stages of life
Even though there is already a loss support group, the Foundation saw the need for a separate group for young widows and widowers because they face different challenges than the older members…. challenges like dating, careers and children.
The group meets monthly, and “it is just a safe space where people feel like they can talk about anything that is on their mind and we don’t judge them or try to give them clichés. We are just there because we all need support. It is just showing up for each other every month,” said Ms. Benmar
During their meetings, the group discusses grief, trauma, and some less obvious logistical issues like, “how long you keep wearing your wedding ring?” Some newer members lost their loved ones during covid, so they struggle not being able to have a memorial service for them or to gather with loved ones for support.
“Grief is a horrible thing,” said Ms. Benmar, but she has learned much about it.
“I learned that it is not linear, and that almost nothing people say to you really helps. It’s just, are they there for you? People always think that saying something is comforting, but really just their presence is the most important thing,” she explained.
“I learned that you can’t distract yourself away from it and when you feel it you got to just feel it and let yourself feel it – we talk a lot about this in the group actually – when that wave of grief comes, try not to push back against it. Just letting it come and consume you for the time that it needs and just trust that it will end at some point, even if it feels like you are standing on the edge of this dark abyss,” she added
The role of family and community
Family support and bonding with her two daughters, 22 and 19 years old, are what helped Ms. Benmar the most with moving forward.
When asked about the role of the bereaved community within the bigger mesothelioma community, Ms. Benmar paused to hold back tears:
“I think it is important that the bereaved community stay engaged to the extent they feel emotionally capable because we don’t want any other family to go through what we’ve been through,” she said. “By engaging, we make sure that the Foundation stays active in its mission, whether through financial support or logistic support. Curing cancer is a difficult mission but it’s sort of like when you graduate from a university, and you continue to financially support the university so that other students can get scholarships. When we stay engaged, even though we lost our people, I think it makes it easier for people in our same situations. We try to make the path easier for the next person who comes along.”
Ms. Benmar is always looking forward to seeing the members of the group, and it is comforting for them to be together. They meet on the third Thursday of the month at 7 p.m. ET. The “Young Widows and Widowers Support Group” is for members under the age of 55 who have lost a spouse to mesothelioma.
If you would like to join this support group call, please contact the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation at [email protected] or 703-879-3797.
